The Joeyssey
by Calcifer
Summary: An epic for the ages! Join our hero Odysseus, played by Joey, on his quest to find his way home to his darling wife and son. Many laughs! Chapter 8 up!
1. The Edited Iliad

The Joeyssey  
  
Calcifer: Ahh now this is the life! My favorite myth and TV show combined!  
  
Joey: YOU NAMED IT AFTER ME! The Joy!  
  
Aragorn: Once again, it is all about HIM!  
  
Fernand Mondego: *looks bored* Yes, well at least this one is a classic. I am from a classic. Rather amazing, eh?  
  
Aragorn: I AM TOO!  
  
Fernand: Yes, I must admit Calcifer is very well read..  
  
Calcifer: Oooooh COMPLIMENTS! Okay in case you haven't guessed or read the description this is a Yu-Gi-OH! version of The Odyssey, the original written by Homer in ancient Greek. And NO I am NOT Homer, and therefore do not own the rights to this epic, I also do not own Yu-Gi-OH! Okay the cast for this scene is as follows:  
  
Joey Wheeler-Odysseus  
  
Seto Kaiba- Menelaus  
  
Teá Gardener- Penelope  
  
Mai Valentine- Helen  
  
Ryou Bakura- Agamemnon  
  
Duke Devlin- Paris  
  
Serenity Wheeler- Athena  
  
Calcifer- Narrator  
  
I'll add more as the need arises, also at the beginning of every chapter I will refresh your memory and add the new characters that will be in that chapter.  
Calcifer: Long ago, when Greece was not one united country but merely a series of islands, Paris, Prince of Troy, stole away Helen, wife of Menelaus, one of the high kings of Greece, and took her away to Troy.  
  
Mai: Oh help, help!  
  
Devlin: No one will save you my pretty, nor your little dog too.  
  
Mai: I don't have a dog...  
  
Devlin: Oh....  
  
Mai: Menelaus, my husband! SAVE ME! NOW!  
  
Kaiba: What?! Why should I save YOU!? I mean. oh no he has stolen my queen.  
  
Calcifer: So Menelaus went to all his fellow kings, including the other mighty king, his brother, Agamemnon. All the kings had made oaths to protect Helen, so Menelaus told them to come to war against Troy. Meanwhile on the island of Ithaca, there had just been a very exciting event: Penelope the Queen had just given birth to a baby boy, King Odysseus's first son and heir!  
  
Joey: I AM MARRIED TO TEÁ?! Calcifer I thought you LOVED me!  
  
Calcifer: I do. But I can't narrate and be Penelope and the same time. And it isn't Teá it is "Penelope".  
  
Joey: Fine.. Oh joy! I have a son! His name shall be Telemachus.  
  
Teá: What kind of stupid name is that!?  
  
Joey: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THE NAME TELEMACHUS!  
  
Teá: It sounds so dorky! He is going to be teased.  
  
Joey: He is a PRINCE! NO one teases a PRINCE! Besides, I'll shoot anyone who teases him with my mighty bow.  
  
Teá: Oh please! That is so pathetic!  
  
Joey: Listen "Penelope" this really isn't going along with the script, now is it?! BESIDES I AM THE KING! YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME! Okay TELEMACHUS,  
  
Teá: Hmph. Joey: Look upon Ithaca! It will be your kingdom someday!  
  
Calcifer: Just then the mighty kings came to Ithaca.  
  
Bakura: Odysseus. My brother Menelaus and I have come to make you honor the oath you made to protect Helen all those years ago.  
  
Joey: Dang! You guys have really, really, really bad timing! Kaiba: SO?  
  
Joey: Can I pass on this one? I mean I JUST had a kid, and I sorta wanted to teach him to string my bow an' all that jazz.  
  
Kaiba: HELLO!? My wife *gag* is more important than some old son.  
  
Bakura: Yeah, so get your boat and pray to the gods because we leave at dawn!  
  
Joey: Man! I hate waking up early....  
  
Calcifer: So Odysseus went to Helen and told her the sad news and they had a very touching goodbye, which we are going to skip.  
  
Teá: HEY!  
  
Calcifer: More or less he told her that she would have to remarry when Telemachus was old enough to have grown a beard. And then he went to pray to Athena, the goddess of wisdom and war. He was her particular favorite, because he was so crafty and always used his head.  
  
Kaiba: That is out of character for Joey.  
  
Calcifer: *Glares at him*  
  
Serenity: Hello Odysseus, cleverest among men!  
  
Joey: ATHENA! Nice t' see yah!  
  
Serenity: Thanks! Sooooooo wassup?  
  
Joey: Goin' to war. Doesn't that stink?  
  
Serenity: NO! It is a good thing! You can become famous!  
  
Joey: And rich?  
  
Serenity: Let's just stick to famous for now. Hey maybe someone will even write an incredibly long epic poem about you!  
  
Joey: Yeah suuuure, that will never happen. Serenity: At least this will give you a huge ego boost.  
  
Joey: That is true, I do love me!  
  
Calcifer: But Odysseus's vanity will lead him to problems he cannot imagine!  
  
More will come! Plus more of our favorite characters! Don't worry all you Tristan, Yugi, Yami etc. fans! They WILL come! Please give me some nice reviews! NO FLAMES! Joey has a dragon after all and swords do quite a bit too.  
  
Aragorn: Yeah! Anduril would be happy to talk to you Flamers!  
  
Fernand: I still can't believe your sword has a NAME! But my nameless sword will be happy to deal with flamers too.  
  
Calcifer: And in case you think I don't fight my own battles: I am a fencer! Bwahahahahahahahahhhhahahhaahahahhahahahahahahhahaha Okay sorry! ^__^ 


	2. Laocoon is a Dork!

Yes! Yes tis I again!  
  
Aragorn: Oh great... and I Aragorn son of Arathorn who she never writes fics about.  
  
Fernand: And I Fernand Mondego, COUNT Mondego, who she never writes fics about either.  
  
Joey: And I, Joey Wheeler! Who is the STAR!! Bwahahahhaha!  
  
Fernand: Show off.  
  
Calcifer: So here is the next piece in The Joeyssey! But first! Special thanks to Autumn Breeze and her review! You made my day! Thanks a lot! Oh and Special Thanks to the Odyssey books by Mary Sutcliff than helped me know and love the Odyssey!  
  
Cast: Joey- Odysseus  
  
Kaiba- Poseidon  
  
Tristan- Laocoon the Prophet  
  
Marik- Priam, King of Troy  
  
Yami- Achilles  
  
Rex Raptor- Hector  
  
Yami Bakura- Random Greek Soldier  
  
Weevil Underwood- Sea Serpent  
  
Yugi- Simon  
  
Calcifer: In the Trojan War, there were many great heroes, but one of the bravest and most well known was the Greek warrior, Achilles. He was practically invincible, because his mother had submerged him in the river Styx that flows into the underworld, and by so doing, made him impervious to weapons. She made a mistake though, by holding onto his ankle as she dipped him in she stopped water from touching that point and therefore made him have one vulnerable point.  
  
Rex: You puny Greeks! You will be dinosaur chow!  
  
Calcifer: Wrong line, Rex!  
  
Rex: I mean, you will lose this war! Bwahaah For I am the mighty warrior Hector!  
  
Yami: Oh suuuure! I could beat you any day! In fact. *throws spear at Hector* that day is now!  
  
Calcifer: And then Achilles committed a huge sin that made all the Gods hate him: he used Hector's own chariot to pull Hector's corpse around and around. This was forbidden! Even when you kill an enemy you have to respect them. So soon after a swordsman killed Achilles using the weak spot by his heel. And that is where we get the term "Achilles Heel".  
  
Rex: Oh suuuuuuure.  
  
Calcifer: Look it up!  
  
Rex: *looks it up* Dang! She's right!  
  
Calcifer: Of course I am!  
  
Yami: Dang! I'm dead!? I only had one line!  
  
Calcifer: You'll get more later! Now HUSH!  
  
Yami Bakura: Oh no! With out Achilles we will never win! DARN IT! HEY! I am evil and I want to take over the world! Why would I need Achilles?!  
  
Joey: Especially when you have ME!  
  
Calcifer: ANYWAY! Odysseus wasn't the cleverest among men for no good reason!  
  
Kaiba: HIM!? Clever?! HA!  
  
Joey: SHADDUP! I have a plan! We will build a huge hollow horse and conceal ourselves within it!  
  
Yami Bakura: Yeah, great plan! Thanks for saying it where any cursed Trojan could hear it!  
  
Joey: Oops. HEY TROJANS!? DID YOU HEAR OUR SECRET PLAN?!  
  
Marik: NO! Could you repeat it for us who are hard of hearing?  
  
Joey: Why sure! We are going to-  
  
Yami Bakura: SHUT UP, IDIOT!  
  
Joey: Oops! Sorry!  
  
Calcifer: The next day the Greeks burned some of their ships and made a wooden horse.  
  
Marik: Look a wooden horse! I wonder what it is here for? Oh please this guy is a sap! Can't I be someone else?!  
  
Calcifer: No, this is what you get for possessing my one true love!  
  
Marik: Fine.  
  
Yugi: *Comes up to the King in tattered clothes* My name is Simon I am a Greek; this horse is an offering to the Goddess Athena! The Greeks fled and left me here to die! Please have mercy! It is a gift made of their burned ships!  
  
Calcifer: Simon was a practiced liar and was part of the Odysseus's master plan, for concealed within the horse were, led by Odysseus himself were a dozen brave Greek warriors. The actual Greek fleet had not actually retreated but had gone to the other side of an island so they could not be seen. The Trojans believed Simon, when suddenly the prophet Laocoon the soothsayercame up with his sons.  
  
Tristan: You don't actually BELIEVE this Greek do you? Lord, how gullible can you get?!  
  
Calcifer: It was then he spoke the immortal words.  
  
Tristan: Beware of Greeks bearing gifts!  
  
Calcifer: Odysseus was sure that all was lost when suddenly.  
  
Kaiba: Go my serpent! Help the Greeks! I the sea God Poseidon command it!  
  
Weevil: Yes master! Bwahaha!  
  
Calcifer: And as Laocoon said these words a sea serpent reared up and ate him and his sons.  
  
Joey: Ewwwwwww.  
  
Yami Bakura: OH SHUT UP! YOU'LL BLOW OUR COVER!  
  
Calcifer: The Trojans took this as a sign that Poseidon wanted to them to accept the gift and that he thought Laocoon was an idiot.  
  
Tristan: HEY!  
  
Calcifer: Sorry!  
  
Marik: We will take this gift into our city. I KEEP TELLING YOU THIS GUY IS PATHETIC!  
  
Calcifer: MARIK! STAY IN CHARACTER!  
  
Joey: Yes! My plan in nearly complete! Bwahahahahah 


	3. A Shrubbery!

Calcifer: Hello! HELLO! I don' know why you say 'goodbye' I say hello......  
  
Aragorn: Um...we DIDN'T say 'goodbye', Calcifer....  
  
Fernand: Not that we wouldn't LIKE too.......  
  
Calcifer: HEY!  
  
Fernand: Can't you take a JOKE?!  
  
Calcifer: Humph...... NO ME GUSTAS!!!!  
  
Fernand: For those of you who don't speak Spanish: 'I don't like you!'  
  
Aragorn: Ohhhh, I was wondering. I didn't know YOU spoke Spanish, Fernand!  
  
Fernand: Well I speak French, why not Spanish?  
  
Aragorn: Well for starters you ARE from France.  
  
Fernand: Idiot.  
  
Calcifer: DON'T INSULT ARAGORN!  
  
Aragorn: Hey! She is finally sticking up for me! Maybe she will write her next fic about yours truly!  
  
Fernand: Suuuuuuure.  
  
Calcifer: And I am in such a good mood I'll even admit to not owning Yu-gi- OH! Or the Odyssey, or Monty Python, of my own free will!  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Cast:  
  
Joey Wheeler- Odysseus  
  
Seto Kaiba- Poseidon  
  
Bakura- Random Trojan Soldier  
  
Yami Bakura- Random Greek Soldier 1  
  
Mai- Random Trojan Woman  
  
Yami- Random Greek Soldier 2  
  
Yugi- Random Trojan  
  
Calcifer: Okay, where did we leave off? Ah yes I remember! The Trojans had just taken the huge hollow wooden horse into their city, and it was full of Greeks!  
  
Joey: Okay, men! This is it! We could win this war in a matter of hours! YAY! Anyhow, then I can get back to my sweet *gag* Penelope and my darling son. So all we have to do is wait for the Trojans to get nice and drunk and fall asleep and then TADA! We strike! Bwahahahahahahahahahahha!!  
  
Yami Bakura- WILL YOU STOP IT WITH THE EVIL LAUGH!? THEY WILL HEAR US!  
  
Joey: Ummm yeah. Sorry.  
  
Yugi: Yay we Trojans won the war! GO US! I am going to celebrate and then fall fast asleep!  
  
Bakura: Good idea, RT!  
  
Yugi: RT?  
  
Bakura: Random Trojan. Your name.  
  
Yugi: Oh, then who are you?  
  
Bakura: I am RTS! Random Trojan SOLDIER!  
  
Yugi: Umm ok!  
  
Calcifer: One by one the Trojans feasted and then fell fast asleep. When Odysseus deemed it was safe he led his men out and began attacking.  
  
Joey: HEY RGS2!  
  
Yami: Just call me Yami, okay? RGS2 sounds like a robot!  
  
Joey: Okay, whoever you are! Go open the main gate so our other warriors can come in!  
  
Calcifer: So the other Greeks were let in and the fight began.  
  
Mai: AHHH it is random Greek soldiers! SAVE ME!  
  
Yami Bakura: NO ONE WILL SAVE YOU! BWAHAHAHAHAH!  
  
Yugi: Ummm leave her alone?  
  
Bakura: YEAH! *yawn* Gosh I am tired..too tired to save the RTW....ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ  
  
Joey: This is easy! Awesome! Troy is burning!  
  
Calcifer: So the Greeks killed the men and took the women and children as slaves. They plundered all the wealth and began leaving in their boats. After completing this amazing task, Odysseus was very full of himself.  
  
Joey: Man I ROCK! I defeated Troy all by myself! I don't need the Gods' help! I am smarter than all of 'em!  
  
Kaiba: ODYSSEUS!!!!!  
  
Joey: The sea! It is talking to me!  
  
Kaiba: Not the sea, moron! ME! The sea GOD!  
  
Joey: Oh.  
  
Kaiba: Sooooo you don' need the Gods, eh? And you did this all by yourself, eh?  
  
Joey: That's the look of things.  
  
Kaiba: Well WHO'S sea serpent was it that totally saved your behind from that prophet?! HUH?! HUH?!  
  
Joey: Gimme a minute.....hang on.....gettin' there..  
  
Kaiba: MINE you dolt!  
  
Joey: Ohhhhhhhhhhh I knew that!  
  
Kaiba: Mhm..well as punishment for being way too vain..and really annoying.and insulting me...I lay a curse on you! You will never get to Ithaca!  
  
Joey: And just HOW do you think you're going to stop me?!  
  
Kaiba: How would you get to Ithaca?  
  
Joey: On my ship.  
  
Kaiba: And what does your ship sail on..  
  
Joey: The sea..  
  
Kaiba: And what am I the God of..  
  
Joey: The sea... Oh I get it!  
  
Kaiba: Took you long enough!  
  
Joey: You really think you turning the sea against me is going to do anything?! I AM the cleverest person on Earth.  
  
Kaiba: *snicker* Sorry just whenever you say that I start laughing!  
  
Joey: Oh ha ha ha.  
  
Kaiba: I thought so. But anyway you will never cross this ocean......ALIVE!  
  
Joey: HEY, that is like what those loony knights in Monty Python and the Holy Grail were like!  
  
Kaiba: What?  
  
Joey: YOU KNOW! Those Knights of NI! Only they said 'you will never cross this forest alive!' And their voices were a bit more nasal than yours is.. Should I bring you a shrubbery?  
  
Kaiba: A WHAT?!  
  
Joey: Well, that was what King Arthur had to do for the knights of NI, but after he brought them one, they changed their name to the Knights Who Say: Icki icki icki icki PTANG Zoop BOING [and then mumble], and he had to bring them another one.  
  
Kaiba: Okay this is waaaaay too much information!  
  
Joey: I must admit it took about a hundred viewings to figure out what they were saying. but it was worth it!  
  
Kaiba: OKAY STOP! Just get in your puny boat and TRY to get home, and then we will see who is more powerful..  
  
Joey: So you don't want a shrubbery?  
  
Kaiba: GET OUT OF HERE! 


	4. Fi Fie Fo FUM!

Calcifer: We have a very exciting chapter for you all today!  
  
Fernand: Quite.  
  
Aragorn: Indeed.  
  
Calcifer: Please review! Thank you, Kelsey and Shekiah! Great reviews!!! And just to make sure ya'll know when I say 'no flames' I mean no reviews telling me it is bad but not telling me why! If you hated it tell me WHY! Not just that it was lousy! Okay? COOL!  
  
Fernand: And.  
  
Aragorn: she.  
  
Fernand: doesn't.  
  
Aragorn: own.  
  
Calcifer: I know! I know! I don't own Yu-Gi-OH, or the Odyssey!  
  
Cast:  
  
Joey Wheeler- Odysseus  
  
Yami Bakura- Random Greek Soldier 1  
  
Yami Yugi- Random Greek Soldier 2  
  
Tristan Taylor- Random Greek Soldier 3  
  
Kemo- Random Greek Soldier 4  
  
Duke Devlin- Random Greek Soldier 5  
  
Marik- Polyphemus the Cyclops  
  
Rex- Other Cyclops  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Calcifer: The Greeks Left Troy feeling very good about themselves, Poseidon's threat didn't scare Odysseus! He was so brave that all it did was make him feel like he had a fun challenge to overcome.  
  
Kaiba: Or he was too stupid to know that I had actually laid a curse on him...  
  
Calcifer: *glare* They saw a hospitable island and decided to go onto it. They were all hungry.  
  
Yami: Look! SHEEP!  
  
Tristan: FOOD!  
  
Yami Bakura: Yum. Yum. Yum.  
  
Joey: Okay, let's get 'em!  
  
Calcifer: As they were chasing the sheep, they came upon a huge cave full of cheese, and milk.  
  
Tristan: MORE FOOD!  
  
Joey: FEEDING FRENZY!  
  
Calcifer: So the men built a fire and began eating the cheese and drinking some wine that they had brought with them. It was so strong that you had to only put a small bit in a lot of water for it to be drinkable. Just as they were really starting to have a good time a shadow fell over them from the entrance of the cave.  
  
Marik: FI FIE FO FUM! Aww man I got the stupid guy again!  
  
Calcifer: "Sorry!" ;-) The Greeks looked up from their repast as a huge shadow fell over them.  
  
Tristan: *Meep*  
  
Yami: *Gulp*  
  
Kemo: *Gasp*  
  
Devlin: Oh my God..  
  
Joey: Biiiiiiig.  
  
Yami Bakura: COOL! A giant one-eyed monster! That will be a perfect addition to my plan to rule the world!  
  
Marik: No! I am ruling the world by myself!  
  
Calcifer: Save the argument for later, boys!  
  
Both: Fine.  
  
Marik: Who is this eating my cheese!?  
  
Joey: Just some weary travelers, sir. We have brought gifts! Kemo: Yeah! Want some cheese?  
  
Marik: Hmmm, yeah but as the second course.  
  
Calcifer: At that moment he picked up Kemo and Duke Devlin and ate them.  
  
Joey: O..kay that is soooooo wrong!  
  
Yami: I banish you to the shadow realm!  
  
Marik: Sorry, banish proof skin.  
  
Yami: Dang!  
  
Marik: So traveler..What is your name?  
  
Joey: Nobody.  
  
Marik: What kind of name is THAT?!  
  
Joey: A very good one as you'll soon see. But tell us about yourself.  
  
Marik: Well, my father is the sea god Poseidon.and about 20 more Cyclops on this island; they are my brothers.  
  
Joey: DANG! Poseidon again!  
  
Marik: What did you say?  
  
Joey: Want some wine?  
  
Marik: What is wine?  
  
Joey: It is good!  
  
Marik: Okay. I'll eat you before I have it!  
  
Joey: But then you'll eat all the magic I have inside my head!  
  
Marik: Ooooo Magic?!  
  
Joey: Yup! All the secrets of the universe!  
  
Marik: Okay, I'll drink this 'wine' stuff and then you will tell me how to conquer the world without my Egyptian God cards!  
  
Calcifer: So Odysseus gave Polyphemus all of their very strong wine, and he fell asleep in a matter of moments.  
  
Joey: That was easy!  
  
Tristan: Okay! Let's kill him now!  
  
Joey: Smart, but who will move the huge boulder that he put in front of the entrance of the cave?  
  
Tristan: Good point.  
  
Joey: I have a plan!  
  
Calcifer: So he and the men sharpened a huge stake and drove it into the Cyclops's one eye.  
  
Marik: OWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! *(&^(*%$$% GREEKS!  
  
Calcifer: MARIK! MIND YOUR LANGUAGE! Polyphemus blundered, blind, to the door of the cave. He moved aside the giant boulder and called to his brothers for help.  
  
Marik: Brothers! Help ME!  
  
Rex: What is it now, you big baby!?  
  
Marik: NOBODY HAS BLINDED ME!  
  
Rex: Okay.you woke me up to tell me that nobody had blinded you?! Lord, what an idiot! I am going back to sleep!  
  
Marik: Dang, but you wont get out of here alive!  
  
Calcifer: Polyphemus stood in front of the door so that no one could get out without him feeling them. But Odysseus was so ingenious that he figured out a way to get around this!  
  
Joey: Men! Grab those sheep! Tie yourselves under them and then when they leave he will just feel the fluffy backs!  
  
Calcifer: The men proceeded to do this.  
  
Marik: Where are you! I know you will try to escape! Bwahaha! OH hi, sheepies!  
  
Joey: Dolt.  
  
Calcifer: So the Greeks escaped and ran to their ships as fast as they could. But the Cyclops soon realized that a trick had been played on him and gave chase.  
  
Marik: GET BACK HERE!  
  
Calcifer: As he came to the beach their boat was just leaving, he began throwing boulders in their direction, all of which missed. Odysseus, being as vain as he is, couldn't resist one final taunt.  
  
Joey: YO, UGLY! MY NAME ISN'T NOBODY AT ALL! I AM ODYSSEUS THE SMARTEST AND BRAVEST WARRIOR IN THE WORLD! =P  
  
Marik: I'll get you for this!  
  
Calcifer: You are scary! I don't like giant monsters! *Waves hands and chants a spell*  
  
Marik: *In a nasal lisping voice* Ahh what did you do to me?!  
  
Calcifer: As I said: big monsters are scary, but half foot tall ones aren't so bad!  
  
Marik: You are evil! Father!!!!!!!!! They were mean to me!!!!!! AVENGE ME!!!!!  
  
Calcifer: So now Odysseus had another thing Poseidon hated him for: maiming his son! 


	5. Cards, Millennium Items, or Food?

Clacifer: Hello, and, YES! I own Yu-Gi-OH!  
  
Lawyer: I'm suing you on behalf of my client for $12,345,678,900,000,000,000!  
  
Calcifer: JUST KIDDING!!!! Of course I don't own Yu-Gi-OH! Read the previous parts of the fic! I also don't own Lord of the Rings! Thanks to Thallein for your review!  
  
Cast  
  
Joey Wheeler- Odysseus  
  
Yami Bakura- Random Greek Soldier 1  
  
Yami Yugi- Random Greek Soldier 2  
  
Tristan Taylor- Random Greek Soldier 3  
  
Rex/Weevil/Bakura/Mako- Other Greek Soldiers  
  
Yugi Moto- Aeolus  
  
Teá Gardener- Penelope  
  
Mokuba Kaiba- Telemachus  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Calcifer: After their quick retreat from the Cyclops' island Odysseus STILL didn't feel that Poseidon could do anything to him.  
  
Joey: Yeah! I mean seriously! What a dork!  
  
Kaiba: *makes a huge wave crash over the boat*  
  
Joey: ICK! I am WET!  
  
Yami Bakura: OY! Will you grow UP!?  
  
Joey: I AM grown up! In fact my son should be ten years old now..  
  
Calcifer: In the palace at Ithaca....  
  
Mokuba: I hate herding goats! This is so boring! Can't I play with Dad's bow?  
  
Teá: NO! NEVER! IT IS MINE, MY OWN, MY PRECIOUS!!!!  
  
Mokuba: Okay....  
  
Teá: I mean.it is your father's, son..  
  
Calcifer: Okay enough of Teá acting like Gollum, back to Odysseus! The winds had been uncooperative and he and his men had to row the boat, it was very tedious. The boat was running low on stores so they stopped at an island to restock. As Odysseus went to get some water in a water skin, he found a cave and went in. Inside a very short person with very vivid hair sat upon a chair made of stone.  
  
Yugi: Hello! My name is Aeolus! I am the keeper of the winds.  
  
Joey: Oh. I see.  
  
Yugi: And YOU are Odysseus.  
  
Joey: Very true.  
  
Yugi: You've been having trouble with the winds, haven't you?  
  
Joey: Yup.  
  
Yugi: well since you are so smart and like to learn and all that.also because Poseidon the jerk hates you.you are pretty good in my book.  
  
Joey: YOU don't like Poseidon?  
  
Yugi: Not really, he kidnapped my grandpa once.I mean he thinks the sea is more powerful than the winds.  
  
Joey: Oh, soooooo why are you telling me this?  
  
Yugi: I am going to help you get home!  
  
Joey: Really? Cool!  
  
Calcifer: So Aeolus went up to the cliff and sealed the North, South, and East winds into Odysseus's water skin. This left only the West wind, which would carry him to Ithaca.  
  
Joey: Thanks!  
  
Yugi: Mhm. But don't let that sack open, because winds don't really enjoy being locked up, yah DIG?  
  
Joey: Yeah.but not very deep..  
  
Yugi: Oh I get it! Heehee good joke! Anyway the winds would cause a huge tempest that would probably destroy you!  
  
Joey: Ahhhhh, and it wasn't really a joke.  
  
Yugi: Oh.  
  
Calcifer: So Odysseus went back to the ship carrying the skin that was stuffed full of the winds. All his men wondered what it could be.  
  
Tristan: I bet it's food!  
  
Yami Bakura: I bet it's Millennium Items!  
  
Yami: I bet it's a lost horde of really rare Duel Monsters Cards!  
  
Joey: All wrong.  
  
All three: Drat!  
  
Joey: When we reach Ithaca I will tell you what it is!  
  
Calcifer: They sailed for many days with the beneficent West wind filling their sails. But the men were still very curious about what was in the mysterious water skin. They were sure that whatever it was, they wanted their share.  
  
Tristan: I STILL think it is food.  
  
Yami: No! It is definitely DM cards! I mean why else would Odysseus be so protective over it? He must be building an amazingly strong deck so he can beat me and become King of Games!  
  
Tristan: Umm you are rather out of character..that is three thousand years from now remember? And besides "Odysseus" wouldn't do something like that!  
  
Yami Bakura: NO! He wants to take over the world using the power of the Millennium Items!  
  
Yami: No.that is YOU.  
  
Yami Bakura: Oh right.I forgot.  
  
Tristan: HEY! Look! He is asleep!  
  
Yami: let's just look at what it is!  
  
Yami Bakura: Yeah..  
  
Tristan: If it is food I get some!  
  
Yami: If it is Duel Monster cards I get half!  
  
Yami Bakura: If it is Millennium Items, I'll take all, kill you two, get the Millennium puzzle and rule the world!  
  
Tristan: LOOK! It is ITHACA!  
  
Yami: Really!?  
  
Yami Bakura: YEAH! Okay we have to do this now; once we arrive we will never get to see what it is!  
  
Tristan: He SAID he would tell us.  
  
Yami: Oh suuuuuuuure.  
  
Tristan: Yeah, you are right! Let's open it!  
  
Calcifer: So just as they were getting really close to Ithaca the men opened the skin and all the winds burst out tattering the sails and blowing the ship far from Ithaca.  
  
Teá: HEY! There is my husband's ship! Wait! Uhoh those winds are making it be blown away! DANG!  
  
Calcifer: They landed on an island without any food and barely any water. More dead than alive, Odysseus addressed his men.  
  
Joey: Men, you ruined my life. I will not forgive you. Go get me food!  
  
Tristan: Why should we get food for you?!  
  
Joey: Because you ruined my life, remember?  
  
Tristan: Okay.  
  
Calcifer: So the men set off to find food, since all theirs had been lost during the storm. After they had been gone a really long time, Odysseus and Bakura, who had been allowed to stay behind since he didn't open the sack, began to get worried. Just then a pig ran down the hill toward them.  
  
Joey/Bakura: FOOD!  
  
Calcifer: They began chasing the pig and had finally caught it when Yami ran up.  
  
Yami: DON'T EAT THAT PIG!  
  
Joey: Why not?!  
  
Yami: It is RGS3!  
  
Joey: WHAT?! 


	6. Pigs and Stuff

Calcifer: Hello, this chapter is interesting.in case you haven't noticed Aragorn and Fernand are on vacation in the South of France, I hope they will be back soon... In this chapter if characters are talking that aren't on the cast list, those characters are themselves [the characters from the TV show].  
  
Cast Joey Wheeler- Odysseus  
  
Yami Bakura- Random Greek Soldier 1  
  
Yami- Random Greek Soldier 2  
  
Tristan- Random Greek Soldier 3  
  
Rex/Weevil/Bakura- Other Greek Soldiers  
  
Mai Valentine- Circe  
  
Yugi- Hermes  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
Calcifer: So as we know RGS2 (Yami) has just announced that the pig that Odysseus was about to eat was actually RGS3 (Tristan).  
  
Yami: I'm telling you! That is RGS3!  
  
Joey: Sure. Okay then. Right. Why don't you just go into the boat and sleep off the effects of excessive alcohol.  
  
Yami: You saying' I'm DRUNK?!  
  
Joey: Well if the sandal fits.  
  
Yami: Grr! I am telling you! That IS RGS3!  
  
Joey: I believe you! Just go to sleep now. All the RGS3 piggies will be gone in the morning.  
  
Yami: Will you cut that out?! Don't you DARE eat that pig!  
  
Joey: Okay, tell us what happened.  
  
Yami: Well we heard this singing so we went up this cliff. There was this lady with loads of animals. She had dragons and harpies and dark witches and other things too. She invited us in for food, but I thought she looked freaky, so I didn't go in. After all the others drank her wine they were turned into pigs!  
  
Joey: Okay then.I'll go check this out. You guys- don't eat the pig until I get back.  
  
Calcifer: So Odysseus began climbing the cliff. He could hear the enchanted singing. He wondered that even if he DID make it up the cliff, how he was going to manage not being turned into a pig. Just then the messenger god, Hermes, was levitating next to him.  
  
Yugi: Wasssssup?  
  
Joey: Not much, but do you know how I can get away with not being turned into a pig?  
  
Yugi: Yeah, if you eat this plant.  
  
Joey: WHAT AM I?! A SQUIRREL?!  
  
Yugi: HUSH UP! If you eat this, you will be immune to her magic potions. Then when it doesn't work, threaten to kill her. Then she will strike a bargain..uhhh *blushes*  
  
Calcifer: It is okay, Yugi! We don't need to go there!  
  
Mokuba: Go where?  
  
Calcifer: Well to get his men back, Joey has to do *cough cough* stuff.  
  
Mokuba: Stuff? Like what?  
  
Kaiba: You know, Mokuba. *COUGH COUGH* stuff.  
  
Mokuba: Ohhhhhhh.  
  
Kaiba: Yeah.  
  
Joey: Ugh. =P  
  
Calcifer: *sigh* Well, let's get on with it. Odysseus ate the plant, despite his protests, and managed to get to the sorceress's palace.  
  
Mai: Hey there! *Wink wink* C'mon in stranger you look thirsty!  
  
Joey: Okay.  
  
Calcifer: So Odysseus drank the wine and then the sorceress, Circe, waited for him to turn into an animal. When nothing happened she was very startled. Odysseus drew his sword and threatened to cut her in two.  
  
Mai: Don't do that! How did you survive my potion? I could have made you into the finest Chihuahua the world has ever seen!  
  
Calcifer: Okay! We are skipping this scene, because my poor heart can't take it! Anyway Odysseus did *cough cough* stuff and got his men turned back from pigs.  
  
Mokuba: Seto?  
  
Kaiba: What, Mokuba?  
  
Mokuba: Was it *COUGH COUGH COUGH* stuff? or was it just *cough* stuff.  
  
Kaiba: Well.umm.y'see.oh just go read the Odyssey!  
  
Mokuba: But it is in Ancient Greek!  
  
Kaiba: You are a Kaiba; you will find a way.  
  
Mokuba: Ohhhhhh! I'll go learn Ancient Greek!  
  
Kaiba: Well.that is one way to do it.  
  
*Mokuba runs off*  
  
Calcifer: I notice you "forgot" to mention the fact that there are translations.  
  
Kaiba: Learning Ancient Greek will do him good. It will keep him occupied.  
  
Calcifer: Okay then. Odysseus and his men liked being at Circe's island so much that they stayed for five days, on the fifth day Odysseus told Circe that he had to leave.  
  
Joey: It has been fun, Circe. But five days are enough, I have to get home!  
  
Mai: Five DAYS? Dear boy it has been Much more than that!  
  
Joey: WHAT?!  
  
Mai: It has been five YEARS.  
  
Joey: Liar! I saw the sun rise and set only five times!  
  
Mai: Go look at your ship then.  
  
Calcifer: And sure enough his ship was covered in five years worth of sand.  
  
Joey: NOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Circe: Told yah so!  
  
Joey: Gimme a ship!  
  
Circe: Why should I?  
  
Joey: And tell me how to get to Ithaca!  
  
Circe: Why should I?  
  
Joey: *glare*  
  
Circe: Okay. Only one person knows how to get to Ithaca. He happens to be dead though. His name is Tireseus the Prophet. If you sail on the ship I give you, to the Underworld, and sacrifice a ram, and get him to talk to you, he will tell you how to get to your homeland. NOW SCAT!  
  
Joey: Thanks. BYE! C'MON MEN! LET'S BLOW THIS JOINT!  
  
Mai: Bye 'hon!  
  
Joey: Bye!  
  
Calcifer: So Odysseus sailed off, to the Lands of the Dead, to find the one man who could guide him home. 


	7. Cetephobes

Calcifer: Thanks to all you reviewers! We have some new characters today! Woohoo!

Ram: Duke Devlin

Tyriseus: Solomon Muto (Grandpa)

Odysseus's mother: Joey's Mother (Mom)

As the intrepid crew of Odysseus's ship sailed toward the Underworld, they reflected on all that had happened to them. Odysseus himself was having an emotional journey of his own. Thinking about the safety of his men and ship, the long road ahead of him, how his son was growing up, how his lonely wife was faring, but most of all…..

Joey: I'm hungry!

Yami: You ate two hours ago, and we are starting to run out of supplies!

Tristan: Come to think of it… I'm hungry too.

Yami: We all are.

Yami Bakura: I'm not! 5000 year-old tomb robbers don't need to eat!

Yami: Though in this era you are only a 2200 year-old tomb robber.

Yami Bakura: WHAT?! NOOOOOOOOOOO! *Sob sob* Now how am I supposed to impress the chicks?

Joey: Say you're albino?

Yami Bakura: I'M NOT ALBINO!

Tristan: That's what they all say…

Yami Bakura: How many albinos have you MET?!

Tristan: Well that is what they WOULD say…

Yami: How do YOU know?

Tristan: Well… I…

Joey: Maybe he's one too!

Yami: *Gasp!*

Tristan: WHAT?!

Yami: I bet that hair is a wig!

Joey: I always thought that it couldn't be real…

Yami Bakura: Neither of us are albino, OKAY?!

Joey: Fine. Just a joke! You Egyptians have no sense of humor…

Yami Bakura: Well you Greeks are too full of yourselves!

Tristan: HEY!

Yami: I agree with Yami Bakura!

Joey: You want me to feed you to a seal?!

Yami: Seals don't eat people…

Joey: Oh but they do!

Tristan: Whatever.

Yami Bakura: Seals…. 0__o They're everywhere!

Joey: Huh?

Yami Bakura: THEY'RE COMING TO GET MEEEEEE!

Yami: Now you've done it…

Joey: Done WHAT?!

Yami: He's cetephobic.

Tristan: What?

Joey: Huh?

Yami: Cete- Latin, meaning seal. Phobic- Greek, meaning fear of. Put them together and what do you get?

Joey: Seal…. Fear….

Tristan: Fear…seal…of

Joey: Seal……of….fear…

Yami: HE'S AFRAID OF SEALS!

Joey: Ohhh….

Tristan: Fear…of…seals… I GET IT!

Yami: -__- Good job…

Yami Bakura: AHHH! There's something in the water! IT'S STALKING ME! T__T

Joey: It's a ROCK…

Yami: Great. We have a paranoid tomb robber on our hands.

Joey: Well luckily there is the River Styx!

Tristan: Finding the river leading into the Underworld is LUCKY?!

Joey: It is if it means getting away from HIM.

Tristan: Good point…

*Ships goes on river into Underworld*

Joey: *Hops out* Okay, see you if I get back!

Yami Bakura: They're coming for meeeeeee! I see seals!

Joey: See yahs, wouldn't want to be yahs! Adios!

Tristan: Can't _I_ go find the prophet?!

Joey: Nope! My job! Haha… losers… *Grabs ram and runs off*

Duke Devlin: I don't want to be sacrificed! T___T

Joey: That's just too bad for you isn't it.

Various ghosts: Ohhh! RAM! GIVE IT TO ME!

Joey: No way!

Mom: Jooooooseeeeeepppphhhhhhh…………

Joey: Mom!? The name's Odysseus….

Mom: Oh right. Hi, honey.

Joey: Since when have you called me honey?! You ABANDONED me, and took my sister away! T____T

Mom: Wrong plot, Odysseus.

Joey: Oh right. Okay. Um… since when did you die, Mother?

Mom: I was so sad about you not showing up that I drowned myself.

Joey: That isn't cool…

Mom: I know. 

Joey: How's Penelope?

Mom: Um… she misses you and stuff…

Joey: Stuff?

Mom: Well…you see… there are these suitors…

Joey: _ Suitors?

Mom: Yeah… so you should hurry home…

Joey: Okay, bye then!

Mom: Can I have the ram?

Duke Devlin: NOOOOO!

Joey: Sorry, but this ram is for someone else.

Mom: DARN IT!

Joey: *Runs off to find Tyriseus*

Grandpa: Hello, Odysseus. You are a long way from home.

Joey: No kidding. Hey, can you tell me how to get home?

Grandpa: Throw the ram into the lava.

Duke Devlin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Joey: Finished.

Grandpa: Okay, the key to winning a duel is to believe in the heart of the cards. 

Joey: Thanks… but that wasn't what I asked you…

Grandpa: Of course it always helps if you have Exodia…

Joey: Yeah... I know…

Grandpa: You were such a bad Duel Monster student! Always falling asleep…

Joey: SHUT UP! CAN YOU TELL ME HOW TO GET BACK TO ITHACA, OR NOT?!

Grandpa: Young people… they are always in such a hurry…

Joey: _

Grandpa: Alright, alright. To get to Ithaca you have to pass through this channel between two islands…

Joey: Channel between islands… got it.

Grandpa: Don't be so cocky!

Joey: I wasn't being cocky!

Grandpa: Yes you were. Don't lie to me!

Joey: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Grandpa: On one side of the straight lives a monster. She has five heads, and will devour one person per head. The Gods are participating in a huge duel all the time. She is the card you know of as the "Five Headed Dragon"

Joey: Evil monster… not a problem! We'll go along the other side! 

Grandpa: Ah… that is what YOU think…

Joey: Huh?

Grandpa: On the other side one of the Gods has played the "Dark Hole" card. Any ship that sails on that side will be instantly devoured.

Joey: Okay… so we can't get through their alive is what you are saying…

Grandpa: You can if you believe in the heart of the cards…

Joey: There you go again! You never shut up, do you?!

Grandpa: You are only allowed to ask one question per ram. Go get another ram, and I'll tell you the answer to that.

Joey: I'm outta here. 

Grandpa: Come again, youngster!

Joey: Yeah, right. Over my dead body.

Grandpa: Actually, since this is the world of the dead…

Joey: OH SHUT UP! *Leaves*

Tristan: Oh, my Gods! He's alive!

Yami: Wow. Okay, okay, Tristan. I know I lost the bet.

Tristan: Fork over the sandwich now!

Yami: Humph…

Joey: Hey, guys…

Yami Bakura: How'd it go?

Joey: Uhhh I'll tell you in a bit…


	8. Pain, sorrow, and a cliffie

Calcifer: Hey, guys! I'm really sorry! I have been terrible about updating! Thanks to all you great reviewers! You rule! Okay here is the latest piece in this exciting epic… btw does anyone like baseball? Because there is a great baseball fic, called "Baseball Season" *coughcough* and it is really good so…

Joey: No promoting your own stories, Calcifer!

Calcifer: Phooey… anyway! On with the plot (if you can call it that)- Did I mention the fic "So Happy Together"? Sweet, romantic, sad-

Joey: I SAID!

Calcifer: EEEP! On with the story….

*****************************************************************

Yami Bakura: So, Captain… You still haven't told us what the prophet told you.

Tristan: Yeah! Tell us!

Joey: Um… Well you see…

Other Random Sailors: Yeah! Tell us! 

Yami: Come on… Spit it out!

Joey: He uh... told us to uh… go between these islands…

Yami Bakura: That was IT?

Joey: Um… yes?

Yami: You don't sound so sure.

Joey: I am… I just have a sore throat…

Tristan: Oh. Okay! ^_^

Joey: *Phew*

Yami: Those the islands?

Joey: Looks like it. I just want all you men to know… you have been great friends… whether we were looting and killing Trojans, or getting seduced by enchantresses… it has all been fun, so let's row through as fast as we can and stay to the right side.

Tristan: ?__? What was THAT about?!

Yami: Search me.

Yami Bakura: Well you heard the man… well dog really…

Joey: WHAT WAS THAT?!

Yami Bakura: Zip it puppy… I mean "Captain"…

Joey: *GLARE*

Tristan: We are about to go between the islands, guys… Gods, it's dark!

Yami: EEK! I don't like the dark!

Joey: Don't be a wuss… EEK! A SPIDER! GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME!

Yami: I'M the wuss?

Joey: Okay… leave the goat on the bank there…

Yami: Why? 

Duke Devlin: NOOOOOO! You can't do this to me again!

Joey: Um so it will be the distraction so the giant monster won't eat us?

Tristan: Monster?!

Yami: MONSTER?

Yami Bakura: MONSTER?!?!?!?!?!?

Joey: Yes… five headed dragon… BIG dragon… many teeth…

Duke Devlin: GETTING EATEN BY A MONSTER IS NOT IN MY JOB DESCRIPTION!

Joey: Yes it is. Right under getting sacrificed to Apollo.

Duke Devlin: WHAT?! *Pulls out contract* Hmm… lava… sacrifices… lunch… dinner… breakfast… Apollo..- EEK! "GETTING EATEN BY A MONSTER AS A DISTRACTION"!?!?!?!

Joey: Sorry, old thing. *Tosses him onto shore*

Duke Devlin: Baah? 

Tristan: Nothing is happening…

Yami: Does anyone see anything?

Duke Devlin: Okay, guys! Joke over! Take me back now!

*Giant Head comes out of shadows and swallows him*

Duke Devlin: NOOOOOO- *Crunch*

Joey: O__o

Yami: @__@

Tristan: X___x

Other sailors: 0.0

Yami Bakura: :-} Ooooooh! Death! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Joey: Stop laughing like that! You'll just encourage it!

Yami Bakura: Oh stop being a spoilsport!

Joey: In case you haven't noticed: THAT IS A GIANT 5-HEADED MONSTER!

Yami Bakura: I know.

Yami: This is crazy let's just go to the other side…

Joey: NO! There is a worse monster on the other side! If we go there we will all be killed, not just a few of us!

Tristan: Oh that's comfortin- AHHHH! *Gets eaten*

Yami: Okay that's it! *Begins steering ship toward other side*

Joey: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

4 Other sailors: *Get eaten* AHH!

Yami Bakura: OOH! LOOKIT ALL THE DEATH! WOOHOO!

Joey: 0.0 He is really starting to scare me…

Yami: Me too...

*Ship goes to other side, giant whirlpool appears and begins sucking it down…*

All: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Other Random Sailors: *Get sucked in* AHHH!

Yami: *Falls from ship into whirlpool*

Joey: NOOOO! COME BACK!

Yami Bakura: *Begins to fall*

Joey: *Grabs him* I'll never let go! *SOBSOB*

Yami Bakura: You need to go find your wife, and continue your life!

Joey: How can I leave you!?

Yami Bakura: You just have to… bye! *Lets go, falls into the whirlpool*

Joey: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Somehow manages to get away from whirlpool, and floats on a piece of flotsam, at the mercy of Poseidon, and his waves…*


End file.
